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While it’s not remotely pleasant that Mom was in fact shitting her pants when I sent this text to my brother, I did get a fiendish pleasure that I sent it right about the time he was spooling up to go sub-orbital on me.
Fuck It. Fuck You. & The Horse You Rode In On
I’ve come realize that he thinks I spend my days couched with a tub of bon bons balancing on my lap. So, being able to tell him the unvarnished truth just as he was on the launch pad emitting smoke is good for him.
He was about to berate me because I charged my hotel room for my much-needed paid getaway earlier than he wanted me to. Whoops. I had texted him while I was booking to ask which card he wanted me to use, but he never answered, so I just went forward. Today it went through and he was like, “I asked you to wait. Now it’ll be on this month’s bill.”
Except he never asked me to wait. Great. Two people in my life who can’t remember shit, but then blame me for it.
As I was taking Mom’s soiled clothing to the laundry room, I started to berate myself—cuz that’s what I do, I don’t need him or anybody else for that—I stopped myself. I am always the one who says sorry. I am always the one who analyzes everything until I find that I had some part to play in our fights. Why?
- I’m too emotionally unintelligent. That means I let myself get baited easily.
- I’m too defensive. Once baited, I’m a street fighter and will come out swinging no matter the odds. I usually get my ass kicked.
- I worry too much about being a good person/daughter/sister.
- I worry too much about whether or not they see me as a good person/daughter/sister.
With all the abuse, criticism, berating, yelling, belittling, and lack of appreciation or understanding I’ve taken from him the past two years, why should I feel bad for having once taken advantage of him? Why must I always be the one who soul searches and then gives a heartfelt apology? He has yet to apologize to me for anything. And I’m not holding my breath that he ever will. In his twisted mind, I’m sure he thinks the money serves as an apology.